Growing up in a Patriarchal Society: What is good for the Gander, is it good for the Goose?

By

Spyros Pavlou, PhD

I am a naturalized American citizen. I live in Chelan, Washington. I was made in Greece by Greek parents in 1940; a war child born 8 days before the Italians declared war on Greece.

My mother was the pillar of stability in our family and gave me the self confidence I needed to survive the adversities of three wars. We endured the Italian-Greek War, the occupation of Greece by the Nazis, and the Greek Civil War. I was fourteen years old when the wars ended, and Greece resumed some degree of normalcy again.

My mother paid special attention to me during my infant and adolescent years. I was the only male descendant in the family, so my mother nurtured me, and raised me to be the proper son in the reality of a Greek patriarchal society. I remembered when she admitted to me that she loved my sisters dearly as well, but felt privileged to have me as her only son. When I became eighteen years old she said to me,

“Spyros, you are a man now, but don’t be like your father; I love him, but he is a victim of his environment, and pretends to be something that he is not. He is uneducated, but has money, because he inherited it from your grandfather. He has a good heart, he worked hard, he is generous to everybody, but he has poor judgment and business acumen. He likes to gamble and is a womanizer, like every Greek man I know. He is stubborn and never listens to me, because I am a woman…”

“You have to survive on your own. But in order to make it in this world jungle, you have to be educated. Go as high as you can with your education. Once you earn it, nobody can take it away from you. I want you to set your sights high. Greece is not where you want to be to carve your future. I’ll send you to the United States, because that’s where the opportunities are. I know I will lose you in the abyss of the New World, but promise me you won’t forget us…”

She was in tears when she said that. I kept my promise.

So, early on in my life I was in a quandary. In one hand, here is my father, exuding real machismo, pride, and strong ego in being a man. On the other hand, my mother was more educated, worldlier. She was talented in the arts, music and overall more refined. My father recognized her value to his own benefit, but he treated my mother and my sisters, as second class citizens.

It seemed that, “what was good for the gander was not good for the goose.” It just didn’t make sense…I loved my father. During the days of the war I adored him. He was my hero, my protector, my role model; I wanted to be like him. He could do no wrong. And then suddenly, everything changed. When I left for America, I didn’t know him anymore. He was self centered, told lies, and his world revolved only around him.   

I met a lot of women since I first arrived in the States. I loved women far beyond intimate relationships, may be because of my close bond with my mother and my two sisters. I could empathize with them, and understand them. I never felt threatened by a woman. May be because of my extreme confidence I had in myself. It’s ironic, but that confidence was instilled in me by my mother not my father.

I had a lot of male friends, but I found women more interesting, rich in emotions and feelings, authentic. I was able to relate to them easier than men. My relationships with women made me appreciate what they have to go through dealing with men on a personal and professional level. I developed a keen awareness of each woman’s uniqueness in self awareness, character, personality, mind, and spirit. 

Throughout my professional career, I found women to be more resourceful than men, more trustworthy, honest, intuitive, perceptive, and multifaceted. They were rich in emotions and feelings. I always felt that my association with women, personal or professional, provided me with empowerment for improvement and growth. Women were my best and most successful employees.

Although I was tormented by the dichotomy of my beliefs and deep feelings I had about men and women, as epitomized by my father’s and mother’s behaviors, I was able to maintain my objectivity in accepting both genders based on what they are as individuals. 

Meeting Laura, my wife, culminated in what I consider a profound relationship in mind, body, and spirit. I believe that although human beings are not made to live alone, they are made to live free. The freedom is acquired through continuous and conscious work towards improvement, and the respect and love we give to each other is learned, it doesn’t happen automatically. As the saying goes, we learn by getting older and we get older by learning.

Sharing the adversities and happy times we experience as a couple, confirms my belief that what appears to be good for the gander it can be as good for the goose…