The World of Absolutes

By

Spyros Pavlou, PhD

We have a saying in Greece: We get older by learning and we learn by getting older. Understanding relationships and what makes a relationship successful is a continuous learning experience.

I was a war child. I was born just eight days before the onset of the Greek-Italian War, October 20, 1940. Since I was an infant I lived in a “World of Absolutes”. I believe now that this was imposed on me by my parents because they wanted to protect me as we survived the adversities of war.  

War-peace, black-white, on-off, yes-no, up-down, dead-alive, straight-crooked, love-hate, win-lose, open-shut, present-absent, strong-weak. That’s what my psyche was telling me. That’s what I learned to know and understand; absolutes, nothing in between.

As I grew older, I evolved as a human being, but thinking in absolutes was a convenient and comfortable behavior to me because I was not taught otherwise or experienced any negative consequences to my behavior. I didn’t know what the word humble meant, so that often caused me to adopt a purist and superior behavior which dominated my mental state.

Agree-disagree, on the ship-off the ship, employed-unemployed, smart-imbecile, guilty-innocent, true-false, publish-perish, attack-capitulate, rich-poor. I was possessed by this thinking, and inclined to adopt it as a normal way of life. But in reality I was in purgatory, because I didn’t comprehend what the phrase, in-between, gray area, compromise or compassion for others meant, because I didn’t know how to handle my quandary.

Often, I found unacceptable any behavior or attitudes that implied indecisiveness, weakness, lack of commitment, lack of self confidence, or wishy-washiness. The “World of Absolutes” thus, became a “modus operandi” in my life, but more importantly, this term often contributed to the adoption of an uncompromising behavior in my relationships with professional or personal acquaintances, followed by  periodic outbursts of rage when conditions didn’t fit my mantra of the “World of Absolutes”.

When I experienced these outbursts, I changed my personality from “Dr. Jekyll” to, “Mr. Hyde”. To me this transition appeared acceptable because the “World of Absolutes” demanded it. I couldn’t recognize that I was eroding my relationships, thus often destroying my otherwise solid bonds that I had started developing with my associations. The mentality that everyone was guilty before proven innocent took control of my behavior.

In my professional career, I was a technical expert. As a scientist with a PhD in Chemistry, I was often hired to provide expert testimony in controversial cases of environmental litigation.  I was very successful in my business. The “World of Absolutes” served me well in my practice, and my clients accepted, and in fact, endorsed my “cut-throat” approach.

But, I carried this behavior too far. My professional life was good, I thought, but I was oblivious to the change that I was undergoing: I was becoming egotistic and self serving, a gradual but definitive change to the worse. The “World of Absolutes” became an invisible monster, ingrain in my subconscious, lurking in the background, waiting to devour me.

People who knew me loved my Dr. Jekyll side, but abhorred the Mr. Hyde behavior. That was understandably normal, though I thought that their negative reaction to me, when I behaved like Mr. Hyde was just a tempest that would blow away, because I considered my Mr. Hyde personality as a summer thunderstorm on a Greek island. “Not to worry” I thought, “my friends know me, understand me, they would come around.” But, that didn’t always turn out to be the case. I ended up being crushed by their criticism, but rationalized the situation, by acting nonchalant.

“Well that’s the way the cookie crumbles…” I used to say, and moved on. 

In all my life, I have never thought of myself as an egocentric and narcissistic male, but really I was…, only I couldn’t see it. No one ever insinuated that I was that type of a man. Regarding my relationships with women, I adored and respected my mother and my two sisters. I always tried to emulate   a similar approach. Throughout my professional career I associated and interacted with highly educated and powerful women whom I respected and admired.

I married and had a daughter with one; a very successful and professionally respected woman. My marriage lasted for eighteen years. I married again, another well educated and a technical expert in the field of civil engineering. I thought I found my long term partner only to lose her to the horrible disease of cancer in 15 years; I was devastated by that misfortune. Her death was a major tragedy, and a complete let down in my life. I had always been a supporter of women, and helped them realize their own power. When I lost my second wife, I felt powerless, and abandoned.

Six years passed after my second wife died. I got entrenched again in my “World of Absolutes”, but even more passionate this time; my personality hardened, I didn’t see any reason to change, because I thought that I was good enough the way I was; I didn’t care what people thought of me or what their opinion of my values was, change was not a word in my vocabulary.

How wrong I was; although I could see the shortcomings that my addiction to the “World of Absolutes” was creating, my main concern was what other people would think of me; I never reached inside myself, and asked the fundamental question “How do I feel about me? What’s going on with me? Was I really happy with the way I was?” It was always the external factors that matter. I had no one to care about me, and understand my inner feelings, no one to feel close to, and no one to trust. I was a ship flailing in the wind with no purpose.

So really, nothing was changing. My evolving in character or personality stopped dead on its tracks. I was doomed to become a fossil. Isn’t that what age brings about to people, total inertia, fossilization, and then death?

Yet, I was not ready to become a fossil. If I reached this stage, my muscles would cinch and then I you die! No, I had a whole life to live; I was not ready to call it quits. In the 6 years, since my second wife died, I developed 11 short-term relationships with younger women. All were unique, challenging, and rewarding, but I was looking for more…

I was searching for nirvana for 53 years. My life experiences must have hardened my personality and mental attitude. When any man or woman questioned my “World of Absolutes”, I went into rage immediately, and my standard reaction was vocalizing a feeling that I was shut off, and rejected from any further discussion. I didn’t feel that I was listened to. I wanted to be heard right then. If I didn’t get an answer that was consistent with “My World of Absolutes”, I kept defending my position, and couldn’t stop. I was overcome by anger which made me irrational, and therefore out of control.

Finally, I saw the light. This epiphany came to me after I attended a workshop in “Family Constellations”. The workshop gave me the ability to understand and realize how I can enhance my capacity for attaining happiness, freedom of choice, success in accomplishing my goals, ability to maintain an enjoyable and happy relationship with my wife, health, and overall well being. This deep soul searching and spiritual cleansing enabled me to free myself from the mental shackle that was chocking me.

From then on, my life became more balanced, more fulfilling, and I was a lot happier. But, I am still learning. I am not perfect by any means; I am striving to be a complete individual with a keen awareness of what makes people function. One thing I know well is that every transformation I experience in my life is another milestone towards self improvement.